Rapids

How is the story coming along (first chapter)?

First time writing a complicated story where I have to explain things that don't exist in the real world. So I don't expect it to be all that good. Chapter 1 Rae’s flicked her tongue out, tasting the air. She closed her eyes, letting the scents swell up in her mind, sending flashbacks shooting across her vision. A memory of the mixed scents came to her instantly: coconut lime lotion, strawberry shampoo and the unmistakable odor of sock-glue. An amused chuckle pierced the silence. They burst out of the vast land of trees, free falling towards the raging river below. After hours of waiting, they had finally caught a glimpse of human scent. And Rae wasn’t about to let them escape. Slicing her way through the water’s surface, she was swallowed by the river. There was no splash in the wake of her fall, nor any evidence that she was actually in the water, for the rapids were too thick to distinguish anything beneath the surface. “Find something?” Amelia asked. She crashed into the water behind Rae with a hard slap, a wave rising behind her as she was engulfed in the dense liquid current. A moment of heart-thudding alert shot through Amelia’s body as the freezing water hugged her being. “They’ll be tricky to capture unharmed,” Rae said, ignoring the fact that she was submerged. But to Amelia’s surprise, no water flooded Rae’s mouth in an attempt to drown her. Amelia’s amethyst colored eyes fixed themselves on Rae. With a moment of concentration, she absorbed the vibrations of the water. She read them like words on paper, clear and legible, understanding exactly what Rae had said. “You know them?” Rae’s hungry black irises flashed with excitement. “The girl, her name’s Naomi Dotton. We were best friends back when I still gave out my trust without someone earning it. She betrayed me and stole everything I ever cared about.” She laughed sharply, “Is it not fair that I’ll be the one to steal her own existence from her?” There was a moment of silence as they both leapt out of the water, landing feet first on the riverbank only slightly downstream from where they had been camped out in the trees. Amelia shook the water from her body, squeezing the extra weight out of her suit while Rae took a few tentative steps towards the forest before them. “Slightly ironic too,” Amelia sniffed the air, “Looks like we found your human.” A half smile pressed on Rae’s lips. She nodded, “Aye, and they’re not far ahead of us.” The moonlight danced down upon their shadow-like figures and, with the help of their extended eyesight, illuminated the forest like a carefree, sunny day. The sun had set fast, as if anticipating the hunt; ready to assist the Zienteyests through sight, or prepared to help shield the presence of the humans attempting to flee. Long blonde hair cradled Amelia’s heart shaped face. Her skin was pale, making her look as she had before she became a Zienteyest. She bent down to sniff a crumpled plant; the image of two panic-stricken teenagers sprinting past, played out across her vision. In the very end of the playback, the boy squished the plant with his green sneakers. She scoffed. Ten yards away, Rae crouched down. Her pale, skin-taught face was locked in thought. Amelia was used to Rae’s ravenous black eyes, the deadly poison of her voice, and the abnormal reflexes. All of these threatening features were a part of Rae, not just something symbolizing the life of a Zienteyest. Amelia knew that better than anyone. Rae and she were closer than any lovers could be. More intimate than humans ever were. Even more personally attached than the Xvailers had been designed to be. Though not by much. Zienteyests were just excelled Xvailers in all areas: physically, mentally, possession of unnatural meticulous instinct, and skillful at making snap-decisions. The two sub-species were still just the alien version of humans. Without warning, Rae leapt into the air and disappeared in the underbrush. Her footsteps were silent, even on the crunchy leaves and lean twigs. Amelia smiled and sprang after her. They had gone four days with no trace of Naomi Dotton and her human partner. The chase was finally on. For half an hour, they bounded through the trees. They only stopped to duck, jump, and walk when it demanded necessary. Running at a speed no one could maintain, they pushed their leg muscles to the limit. Rae dug her heels in the ground, jerking to a stop and crashing into a tree, hugging it in her arms. It didn’t hurt; she had used the tree as a prop, to keep herself from flinging herself off the sudden drop before her. “Didn’t see the cliff,” Rae muttered to herself, feeling the painless bruise forming on her abdomen. Glancing to her right, she heard Amelia leap off the ground, stopping herself by swinging up and perching on a tree branch. With a raise of her hand, Rae signaled to Amelia, indicating to split up. Sensing Amelia’s hesitance, Rae spun around to face her. She smiled,

Public Comments

1. It's great! I love how descriptive it is, and it being so fast-paced keeps the readers on their toes! Definitely a five-star.
2. i want to read it now lol...its a very good start. it caught my attention in the beginning and that is very important when im reading something. i want to suggest you go to a website such as http://quizilla.teennick.com/ to post your story. if you don't mind, if you do start a quizilla please tell me your story title as i would love to continue reading this story. :) good luck :)
3. i really like it and im really interested in the species but some bits i got lost with like when they went in the water and id like to know more about the species and the time whether its in the future or present and whether something has happenned and thats why they excist or have they always exsisted but i really like it