Rapids - Will you read this bit of my writing?

Will you read this bit of my writing?

Criticism is wanted! Sure, its a trill to get tons of answers saying, "OOH MY GOOOSH!! YOU ARE AAAAAMMMMMAAAAZZZZIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!...." Or, "Wow, just wow. You HAVE to email me a copy!" Or, "Whoa, your pretty good. I wish I could write like you!" I mean, really, you can't post writing on here WITHOUT getting at least one of those, or something along those lines. However, I'd MUCH rather receive advise and tips, than assuming I'm perfect when its only a draft. Now, friendly advise is better. I don't need you cursing me just because you don't like my writing or something. Alright, here it is. <This is it.> I think. <This is where I can finally leave this dreadful thing called 'life'> Standing at the complete edge of the cliff, I look down to my soon-to-be grave. My body will soon be lost miles below in the ever raging rapids, never to be seen by the eyes of the ones a love and hate alike again. Where I will go is still unknown. Heaven? Hell? Nowhere? Whatever happens after this life is and always will be unknown to those on Earth. My eyes search for something beautiful, something to remember before I hand my life away. I have not found anything when I hear footsteps running towards my hiding place. He emerges from the foliage, cut and bruised where branches whipped at the bare skin; he has removed his shirt, using it to stop the blood from flowing from his upper arm. He is tanner than usual, sunburned even. This tells me he has been following me all day. Strands of his hair are plastered to his neck and forehead with sweat, his brown eyes gleaming in the light of sunset. "Gage," I breathe. My heart skips at the sound of his name. I want to run to him, want to feel the utter comfort that comes with our every embrace, but I remember what I came here to do and stop myself. "Kim," he says, stepping forward so gently, so softly, as if the sound or movement will send me off the cliff like a frightened animal. "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving," I say without hesitation. "Where are you going?" "I'm not sure. I'm hoping Heaven exists and that I'm pure enough for it," "Kim--" "is ready to escape this place," I interrupt. Sadness, confusion, shock, betrayal. All of these emotions cross his face at my words. The overwhelming urge to apologize and take them back crushes me, nearly forcing the words out of my lips, but I bite my tongue, trying my best to keep a blank profile. "So that's it, huh? You don't even care about what your being gone will do to anyone else?" "Don't play with me, Gage. No one will miss me," "That's where your wrong, Kim! I'm going to miss you! Your an idiot for thinking otherwise!" He is screaming, though I know he means it. Realizing this, the air leaves my body. "What are you saying?" I manage. "I'm saying I love you, Kimberly Walker! I'm saying that if you die, I'll die! Get it now?" His words echo endlessly throughout my mind. I stare at him, pondering what I should say. That I love him? No, that would only make my death all the more painful for him. Rather than guaranteeing long term pain for him, I say what I hope will result in only short term pain, what I hope will cause him to forget about me and carry on with a happy life. This is all I want for him. "I don't love you, Gage. Why do you think I'm doing this? I hate you, and every memory you've given me. I'm done pretending I enjoy this life, done. Just go, Gage." I wonder if my words cut him as deeply as they cut me. It's all I can do to keep from crying. Every word that just escaped my lips was a lie, and now I have to watch Gage suffer from them. No. I don't'! I've seen my last image of beauty: Gage. I can leave. I can free myself of this life now. "Bye Gage," I say before simply back-falling to my death. <I love you.> The last thing I hear before the water surrounds me is Gage's voice shouting my name. Thanks for reading this far! If you liked this, please link it to other questions you answer! To Ed Bites: This is the ending. The complete and total ending of the trilogy I've written. I've been asked to continue writing more books than just three, either from Kim's point of view as she is dead, or from a different character such as Gage or (other main characters) Dona, Michelle, Quin, or Phil. I may do so, but honestly, I don't really know how to carry on from there. What else could happen? Anyway, thanks for the honest advise.

Public Comments

i liked it. But i dont thnk u should make her die. Maybe you can have gage come after her and rescue herr. Just dont make her die. thats not good but i liked it.
Actually, I didn't see anything wrong with this. There were only a few errors and the words flowed smoothly. I likes this a lot. Good job.
I liked it. Good job on not spending pages describing someone's face (ahem...Meyer) and I think it will be a good story. Instead of saying, "This tells me he has been following me all day," say, "I could tell he had been following me the whole day." Watch which your you are using. "Your an idiot or thinking otherwise!" should be you're, the contraction for you are. Other than your grammar and sentence structure, I think you have a good skeleton of a story going.
It's not bad but it's certainly not AMMMMAAAAAZZZZIIIINNNNG. Its a relatively cliched scenario. I find it difficult in understanding how the story was written in first person when the writer had already fallen to her death. Are we to think that the words were written by a ghost? You correctly point out that there are some grammatical errors but these are few and nothing a careful edit won't cure. There are some points that fail to suspend disbelief. The rapids 'miles' below; unlikely. If it were that far down how would she hear Gage's voice? She would be unlikely to survive the fall to know the water was closing around her as it would be like hitting solid concrete from that height. Your dialogue is very cheesy and this I love you/don't love you syndrome to save the other person grief is overplayed and overworked. You have done the best you can with this material but the material itself lacks originality and interest. Sorry.
Well this is great, for a short story. It all depends what you want to do with it how I can critic it. If that's the entire story, I'm left wondering what caused her to do that. Sometimes that can be a good thing though. Is it supposed to be the ending of a book? That would be an ending that would leave you thinking WOAH! Can’t believe that happened. That also may be good, but may be bad. Good because it is unexpected, bad because the reader may not be satisfied. If this is the beginning of a book, it's a great opening! The only thing about that is I don’t know what you would write anything else in the book about. What can top that? Or it could be from Gage's point of view? That would be cool!
Wow that was intense o. o Lol you got me wanting to read more and I dont even know where this is headed. I might be able to better judge it if you told me where the story line was going? Mssg me? I think it's pretty good. Of course it could always get better. Maybe something better as a hook? And "This tells me he has been following me all day." could have been changed. Your saying its just a draft so its good. There is a few flaws like someone said about the "miles" down and stuff, but I dont think it lacks originality! x( GL! (:
Okay, I'm not going to give you any feedback on this story, though I liked it. Instead I have something I think will help you a lot. There is this website called onlinewritingworkshop.com where you can copy and paste your work and other authors will critique it. It's kind of like this site. you get points for critiquing their work and you can submit more of your. It is wonderful. The writers there are professional, or on their way, and they will give you a thorough answer about what they liked and what could be improved. No unprofessional fawning and gushing there. So go check it out because I think it is exactly what you are looking for. : )
Ha ha! I know just what you mean when you talk about the obsessive gushing people on Y!A do. Anyway, I really liked it. But sadly, I must confess that I agree with Ed bites about the dialogue being cheesy. Not all of it is, but as soon as it gets to the part where Gage says "That's where your wrong, Kim! I'm going to miss you! Your an idiot for thinking otherwise!" it gets a bit overdone and too dramatic. No one really talks like that. Work on that, will you? I disagree with whoever said that she shouldn't die. I like that she dies. You don't get many authors who have the guts to kill the main character like that. Very nice. ~ Joyfully Jodi ~